Self Doubt

As I sit here in the dark, in the silence, I realize that perhaps I am nothing more than a placeholder. My head and my heart desperately wish for the same thing, yet my mind is spiralling out of control, having conversations with someone who is not there, devising scenarios that haven't even happened. My head has already come to conclusions, based on vague statements and silence, and my heart is being dragged along in the mud, being torn up and bruised, but both still fight on.

"You know it's going to end, right?" The head speaks to the heart.

"You don't know that," it responds indignantly. "You may be completely wrong."

"When am I ever wrong?" The brain scoffs, frowning. "How can you be so stupid?"

"I'm not stupid!" The heart cries. "I have faith, I believe, and that's all that matters."

"It is not all that matters!" The brain snaps. "You matter! But you're letting yourself get hurt over and over again like you don't!"

"I'm not-"

"You are!" The mind nearly screams, anger and frustration dripping from every word. "Why do you insist on doing this to yourself? Just speak up! Ask the questions you're dying to ask, say the things you're pushing down, stop being silent! You matter!"

The heart hesitates for a moment before speaking again, "..but I don't want to be broken again."

The mind just sighs softly. "If you break, I will build a wall so strong that when you're healed, and you will heal, no one can ever hurt you again."

They both fall silent, and I feel torn on which one to side with. They are both part of me, and I wish I could believe both of them, but I find myself agreeing with neither. I don't want to believe the mind when it jumps from one conclusion to the other, each more saddening than the last. Nor do I want to believe the heart, that everything is okay, and will be wonderful should I just hold out a while longer.

This is where the Depression and Anxiety seep in, coiling through my veins like black poison. They tag team my heart and mind, to divide and conquer. Anxiety wraps its tendrils of doubt and fear around my heart, squeezing so tightly that it feels as though my chest is caving in, spreading ice through my body with every pulse. Depression takes the mind, agreeing with it, feeding its delusions and aiding to come up with even more ludicrous scenarios.

"You're right, you know," Depression muses, "you should begin on that wall now."

"But if I do that then it surely won't work out." The mind doesn't want to have to build the wall, yet fears it might.

"All paths have the same end, friend." Depression grins.

What can I do? Who do I believe? I am torn.

As I sit in the dark, in the silence, I become numb. I can't listen to either as both are being influenced by darkness. Escape is futile, I have tried, but I am in a hole I didn't know existed, and there is no light. I cannot see the sun anymore, nor the top of the hole. It is just darkness and dirt and doubt and pain.

Who do I side with? What do I do? I am lost. I am scared. I am alone. I can't speak to the one I want to for fear that my mind is right, but if I can't speak to them.. is there even anything to save?